Tuesday, September 30, 2008

TORMENTONE MENSILE IN TEMA MATRIMONIALE
SETTEMBRE – I CAKE TOPPER


Ora qualcuna dirà: ma è scema questa? Di nuovo i cake topper? Ebbene care, è già passato più di un anno dal mio primo post matrimoniale che aveva per l’appunto questo argomento, e per festeggiare degnamente quest’anno e per garantirvi che i post matrimoniali non finiscono qui, eccovi un cake topper. Tempo fa qualcuna mi aveva chiesto se esisteva il topper con la sposina sprofondata nella torta; avevo risposto che purtroppo era una pubblicità per un prodotto dimagrante, adesso invece pare proprio che esista: eccolo qui:


Si trova qui: http://www.noellesweddingshop.com/product_info.php?cPath=65&products_id=455&osCsid=0c36935baa1c27e4aec35d14305704b3

attenzione però che non c'è la sposa, ma solo il braccio... Così non si rovina la torta, immagino... Ma io lo trovo una cosa vagamente da film horror...

Ma passiamo al vero argomento di questo settembre 2008:
L’INELUTTABILITA’ DELLA PRIMA LEGGE DI MURPHY

Attenzione post con parolacce (in inglese, però…)

Considerato che mi sarei voluta sposare sabato 20 settembre, e che invece non l’ho fatto e che da un certo punto di vista è meglio così, visto che a causa di due chiletti, non entro più nel vestito da sposa (avete presente vero, la volpe e l’uva?), credo possiate immaginare perché questo post sarà particolarmente cattivo…
Quando manca poco al matrimonio è il momento di prepararsi psicologicamente all’ineluttabilità della legge di Murphy che dice: Se qualcosa può andare male, andrà male. Rendiamoci conto che è SOLO un giorno diverso e non ci saranno né morti né feriti (si spera), e quindi autoconvinciamoci che bisogna prenderla con filosofia e soprattutto senso dell’umorismo!

Così per prepararsi al peggio, sarà meglio andare a farsi un giretto in questo sito:
http://truebrideconfessions.com/
Ci trovate di tutto. Ho scelto una breve (beh, mica tanto!), ma illuminante carrellata di confessioni di future, passate o mancate sposine; le ho lasciate in inglese, perché secondo me nella traduzione perdono enfasi, ma se me lo chiederete, ve le traduco:

Spose e non-spose cattivelle (a volte cattivissime!), ma (almeno quello!) consapevoli di esserlo:
- I married him for his money
- My future MIL (la suocera) offered me $5000 to walk away. And she said I could keep the ring. (Gorgeous 2 carat solitaire!) I took the money and bought a trip to Fiji. I really didn't love him anyway. I just wanted the tax break and the security. I do feel like I was worth more than $5000...should have held out for more.
- I want one last time with my ex.. I mean, I won't actually do it.. but oh I SO WANT to...
- My ex and I decided to meet in Vegas for one last time. I never thought I'd write those words. I'm horrible.
- If divorce were illegal, I wouldn't ever marry.
- I am terrifed of marrying him, but more petrified of being alone
- Dearest hubby... I slept with your brother on our wedding day. He's bigger than you.

Future spose seriamente disturbate:
- My wedding day is in two weeks. I already can't stand him and plan to leave in five years or less. I also plan to secretly take the pill so no children will be involed.
- I'm getting married in a month. I might be pregnant. The baby might not be his....
- My favorite flower is not in bloom (delonix regia) during the month of my wedding and I am actually considering changing the date.
- I've had four dreams that I marry the wrong man and ruin my life. I want to get married so badly, but I'm so scared the dreams will come true.
- Our wedding gift to each other is our virginities
- I don't entirely trust my fiance because I met him in person instead of online. What if he only likes how I look, instead of liking who I am? Ugh.
- The only thing I would change about my wedding was the groom. You ladies marrying guys you truely love are so lucky!
- You wanted a cheap fuck at your batch party, you got it! I snooped and got doubles of the photos before you shredded them. You just have no idea I'm the EXPENSIVE fuck. I am waiting till after we are married when I will "discover" a couple of graphic missed pics, and if it suits me, I am divorcing you.

MA ANCHE QUALCHE SPOSO NON SCHERZA…
- After our wedding reception last week, we went into our hotel room upstairs and my husband wore my dress while I blew him...totally his idea. Now he wants to wear my panties to a party tonight. I'm starting to get creeped out.

Fidanzate abbandonate all’ultimo momento, ma… che vi devo dire? In certi casi meglio così:
- My boyfriend broke up with me because his father told him to. He is 29. I am glad I got out of that situation.
- My FI told me that he is "unsure" of his sexuality, now I don't want to marry him. I wish he was confident enough to figure it all out.
- He said he wanted a wife before going to Iraq. He just failed to mention it wouldn't be me.
- I told him I slept with his brother. He told me he slept with both my sisters, and even though they are both ugly they were both better in bed than me.

Future sposine che diffidano/minacciano i PARENTI ed AMICI… e loro contrattaccano:
- Attention Family Members: I don't care about your dumb arguments with my mother 12 years ago. I don't care if you can't buy me a wedding gift or not. I don't care if you can't buy a new outfit to come to the wedding. I am not interested in gifts or about arguments that you people don't even remember how they started. I am interested in having the people I love and care about supporting me on my wedding day. It's MY day to be happy for once and I frickin deserve it. If you don't show up at my wedding... you can forget about this niece/cousin/grand-daughter /god-daughter for good because I am cutting you off.
- My mom still refuses to come to my wedding if I invite my Dad's SO. How can I tell my dad to leave his SO home -- that's like saying that my mom's more important and her wishes come first. I want to say "Fuck you, don't come then" but I feel really hurt that she would do this to me on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.Why did she have to do this?
- You used to tell me that my standards were too high. Now I'm with the man of my dreams and you're on your second divorce!
- If I would have known then what I know now, I would have picked a different Maid of Honor.
- I was going to wear black to your wedding, but after more thought, I think i'll wear white. :)
- My sisters wedding is in 24 days and I am suppose to do a "toast". All I want to say is "sister, your husband is gay, it's too late now". I hope I don't drink to much before the toast.
- Kids are most welcome at my wedding. My three alcoholic aunts are NOT. They have ruined enough weddings in this family and won't get a chance at this one.

I soliti problemi monetari, che certo NON aiutano…
- His family has a lot of money. My family struggles. His family is inviting 80 people. My family is inviting 20. I don't think it's fair that my family should have to pay for all of your guests when they can't afford to, just because 'they have to be invited since we were invited to their son's bar mitzvah 8 years ago.' I convinced my fiance that each of our families should pay for their own guests but he doesn't have enough balls to actually talk to his parents about it..
- I'm tired of people looking at my fifty dollar ring and saying their stupid ass comments about it. My sister even said something snotty about it. So what if it's not a diamond?! It doesn't mean any less to me
- It would be really nice for my parents to offer to contribute financially, but I don't see it happening, and I cant bring myself to ask. So our budget will stay tiny, and if they have the nerve to complain, i think i just might lose it.
- I knew he was frugal, but I had no idea he was downright cheap until he proposed.

Per non parlare delle SUOCERE, che sono uguali in qualsiasi parte del mondo…
(troverete spesso gli acronimi FMIL - future-mother-in-law che significa futura suocera, oppure MIL - mother-in-law che significa suocera)

- I love my fiance and the rest of his family, but she is so controlling and overbearing. The worst part? When she barks orders at my fiance and tells him what to do, he does it! No wonder he didn't know how to balance a check book or do anything else useful before I met him - you did everything for him! Now I'm left to fix your sheltered, babied son.
- My future MIL booked the rehearsal dinner at an Italian place, even though when she asked, fiancé and I said specifically not to book it at an Italian restaurant because we wanted Italian for the reception. On top of that, it's a cheap place. And on top of that... she's going to order the all you can eat of one type of food instead of letting people pick from the menu because picking from the menu is "more expensive" despite the fact that we have a small wedding party, they're not bad off on money, and it's the ONLY thing they're paying for.
- Is it horrible to break up your serious relationship because HIS mom is completely insane? the woman went crazy over a FREE PAIR OF SOCKS from an airline! FREE SOCKS - it's not like he gave her the Hope diamond
- The problem is that my ridiculously conservative FMIL can't get past the idea that I bought my wedding dress from a boutique called "Trashy Diva" and my (gorgeous!) wedding lingerie from a shop called "Trashy Lingerie." She's absolutely mortified every time someone asks me where I got my dress. Holy Christ, lady, CALM DOWN. It's just a dress shop, all right?
- His mother told me she is going to be sad on my wedding day b/c she is losing her son. She'll be a little happy, but mostly sad. How wonderful that when I see her crying I know it won't be happy tears.....
- My future MIL became mean and overpossessive ever since her "beloved son" proposed. She only makes evil comments when he isn't around to hear them.
- My FMIL told me to my face she wants to object when the officiant asks if anyone has any objections, because she feels that I'm taking her son away. Funny thing is, I actually moved him closer to her when he wanted to move farther away!
- My FMIL will NOT stop asking why she can't wear jeans. It's one day, lady, and your only son is getting married. Put on a freaking dress!
- Dear Future Mother in Law; while I wasn't able to punch you in the face when you announced that your dress for my wedding to your son was a WHITE WEDDING GOWN, I wish I could've. You are a narcissistic freakshow and your showy, dramatic attachment to your son verges on the perverse. If you want to be allowed into the ceremony, you'll find a new dress. Love, the woman who "stole" your son
- Dear frugal mother-in-law: Yes, I am a bit high maintenance. Yes, your son will give me the world in a Tiffany Blue Box without thinking about if he can afford it or not. But he's in love with me, not you. So get over it.

Avrete notato che sulle suocere ne ho messi un sacco… Lo ammetto, sono i miei outing preferiti!

Ma anche le MAMME non scherzano…
- Mom! If you're going to invite 30 people I don't know, and give me like ten different lists of names, don't freak out when you realize I missed one. They'll survive. I don't even know who they are anyway! I love you, but you're driving me crazy woman!
- "MOM!!! You are NOT allowed to invite ANY of your friends to MY wedding!!! Your extended family is not invited, either!!
- When my MOM has her day, she can be told how to plan her own wedding. But for now... kindly fuck off and let me enjoy myself.
- Dear Mom: I know you're insecure that my wedding is going to be yours. I'm not going to use your leftover DIY invitations or crappy bubbles. Put on your big girl panties and realize that my wedding being awesome doesn't make your marriage worthless.

Fortunatamente ci sono anche delle vere STUPIDATE:
- I have 4 skinny bridesmaids and 4 fat one's...how the hell are they gonna look the same?!
- $175 for some tulle hot glued to a fancy comb? Are you fucking kidding me?
- As we were coming out of the church to get into the limo my husband mooned everyone. Someone threw rice and it got all in his asscrack
- I'm scared to get married cause he'll be in the house when I poop.
- I wore bright purple stiletto's under my wedding dress!
- If my FI has strippers at his bachelor party, I am not marrying him. He knows this.

Ed ecco il mio "outing da truebrideconfessions", lo so, lo so che non sono una true bride, ma orpo, non posso resistere!
- Quanto ho acchiappato il bouquet al matrimonio di mio fratello, mi è rimasta molto impressa la delusione della mia neo (ed ora ex!) cognata che sperava tanto che lo prendesse la sua amica… TIE’! Devo mio malgrado ammettere che son soddisfazioni! (Ah, si: sono la prova vivente che acchiappare un bouquet NON significa matrimonio entro l’anno…)

- A parte i miei grossi problemi con i lanci del bouquet, mi ricordo di aver sentito con le mie orecchie il racconto dell’amica di una sposa che aveva composto tutta una bella filastrocca in rima su come gli sposi si erano conosciuti e su come la precedente promessa sposa fosse stata liquidata ad un passo dall’altare, gelando tutti i parenti che non ne sapevano niente ed erano convinti che gli sposi si fossero conosciuti mooolto tempo dopo il matrimonio fallito…

Siccome sono convinta che alla fine, nel bene o nel male: TUTTO VA COME DEVE ANDARE, pigliatevi quest’ultimo outing che va bene per tutte voi che avete convolato o che convolerete:

I LOVE my dress and I don't care what anyone else thinks!!!

Ma non credevate mica che avrei fatto un post completamente senza foto dell’orrore, vero? Chi indovina con cosa è fatto l’abitino qui sotto? Dai, che è facile, facile! E’ veramente un abito che unisce l’utile al dilettevole! La quintessenza del riciclo!

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6 Comments:

At 2:42 PM, Anonymous ila ricamina said...

noooooooo sono preservativi!!!!!!
Io non potrei mai.... perchè l'odore di gomma mi nausea... e il multicolor mi ingrossa!!! :-DDDD

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger elencec said...

ma scusa. solo per quello?????
a me l'odore di gomma non mi nausea, e il multicolor non mi ingrossa....
ma prendo la pillola!!! che me ne faccio??????????

 
At 4:08 AM, Blogger elencec said...

ps spezzo una lancia a favore delle suocere....
sarà un caso più unico che raro, ma la mia è veramente carina: non rompe, se commenta fa solo commenti positivi, tiene le bimbe, viene quasi ogni volta che ho bisogno, non si impiccia...
insomma, a posto!
ci vado perfino in giro volentieri!!!!

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger Viviana said...

Elena, spero ti renda conto che sei un caso raro (e prezioso). Io e le mie tre amiche più care dei tempi della scuola non siamo riuscite a sfuggire alla maledizione della suocera... Nessuna di noi!

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger aless.erre said...

Io userei tutti sti preservativi per fare gavettoni da lanciare agli ospiti a meta' pranzo nuziale....si nota che odio i pranzi luuuunghhisssimiii??
Ciao bella!
Cosi da quest'anno potrai festeggiare ogni 30 settembre "The Day of My Not-Marriage".
Mica male! Io brindero' con te ben volentieri!

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Viviana said...

Ma queste sono due IDEONE favolose! E credo che festeggerò il Day con qualche SPESA PAZZA, usando i soldi che ho risparmiato il 20 settembre 2008!

 

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